Dear Dino Man

by the Dino Man

Marriage Advice for the Weightlifter

No wife cares what your max deadlift is. If you want to impress her with your strength, do what the Dino Man did, and show her that you can still pick her up and carry her around the beaches of Jamaica after 25 years of marriage!

Dear Dino Man,

It bothers me that my wife doesn’t seem impressed with my strength gains.  When I try to talk to her about it, she acts like she isn’t listening to me.  How should I handle this?

First – face the facts – she’s NOT interested in your strength gains.  She only cares that you have enough strength to take out the garbage or move a piece of furniture for her.  Other than that she doesn’t care at all.  Accept it.   And whatever you do – don’t try to talk to her about the latest lifting program you’re on.  She cares about hearing all about that even less.  If you want to impress her with your strength, just throw her over your shoulder every now and then.  Women love that.

Dear Dino Man,

My wife wants to go to the gym with me when I train.  I really don’t want her to go along, but how do I tell her this without making her mad?

Just make her mad and tell her that you don’t want her there!   I doubt if she is really lifting anyhow.  She just wants to be there to keep an eye on you.  She “pretends” to be on the exercise bike with her head phones on (but they’re not) and in fact she is listening to every word you say to the guys – am I right?   My experience with hanging around gyms all my life is that relationships rarely last when one spouse only goes to the gym to “be with” the serious lifting spouse. (this goes for husbands as well!).    Truthfully, I go to the gym to get away from my wife for a while – that doesn’t mean I don’t love her dearly, it’s just that I need my space every now and then, and the gym is the place I go to for that!  Plus, every time your wife tags along with you to the gym your workout buddies are talking about you behind your back, wondering when you are ever going to grow a set and tell her to stay home!!

Dear Dino Man,

I want to display my lifting trophies on the mantle in our living room, but my wife doesn’t want them there – something about they don’t match the décor she has for the room.  What should I do??

No wife wants your tacky weightlifting trophies mucking up her domain. The living room is her domain just as the gym is yours.  Would you want her to put scented candles and a flower vase next to the squat cage?  Get the trophies out of there before she throws them out!  This is a fight not worth fighting.   Put them in the basement, the garage, the attic, or under the bed, and go there to look at them if you have to.

Dear Dino Man,

I want to buy a new pair of squat shoes but my wife won’t let me.   But she buys new shoes all the time!  What do I do!

This is what I do when I want to buy something for the gym that my wife doesn’t want me to buy.  Every time she buys something frivolous that she thinks I might not approve of, I steal the remaining cash out of her purse.  She never mentions it to me because she’s feeling guilty over that new pair of shoes she just bought, and doesn’t want me to bring it up.  When I accumulate enough of this cash, I buy what I want for the gym.  When she asks about the new gym item, I tell her Scott bought it!  Foolproof plan if you ask me. 

Dear Dino Man,

My wife just started competing in powerlifting.  I have noticed since she has been squatting heavy her gluteus has become much more muscular and enlarged.  How big will it get??

Much bigger – and what is your problem with that?  That sounds like a good thing to me.

Marriage tip for weightlifters (more expert advice from the Dino Man)

I have good news for all you heavy lifters, who through the years have developed a Squat Belly (much like a beer belly, ok, it looks like a beer belly, but IT’S NOT!).  No longer do you have to worry about this being a problem in your marriage.  I just read in Women’s Health that marriages are MUCH HAPPIER if the husband has a bigger gut than his wife.  Something about it makes the wife feel less insecure in the relationship, or whatever.  This is a fact – and backed with a scientific study and all.   So there you have it – weightlifting leads to a happier marriage!!  (as long as you don’t let her follow you to the gym that is…)

Coming next to the Dear Dino Man Advice Column:  “other uses for muscle rubbing liniments”