USAWA

by Thom Van Vleck

Here is the rest of the list of Gym Etiquette that I made fun of last issue.

7.  Don’t hog the drinking fountain.  “If you have seven people waiting in line behind you, don’t start filling up your two gallon jug,” St. Michael says.

Thom sez: You want some water, pansy?  Then come and get it ’cause it’s cold, tasty, and quite satisfying here at the head of the line!!!  And my gallon jug ain’t full yet!

(Webmasters note:  and THAT explains why you are always ALSO standing in line for the toilet instead of lifting!)

8.  Observe the gym’s time limits on the cardiovascular equipment. Many clubs restrict you to 20 or 30 minutes on the treadmills, bikes, and stairclimbers during rush hour.

Thom sez:  Cardio-what? Never heard of it.  Oh, that.  Well that’s why God invented the internal combustion engine and the elevator.  I did enough “cardio” in the Marine Corps to last me for the rest of my life.  I did my lungs enough of a favor by never smoking. 

(Webmasters note:  Your satire is starting to rival that of Bill Clark!!!)

9.  Return your weights to the rack.  If you leave dumbbells on the floor, someone may trip over them, or the weights may roll onto someone’s toes.  Be sure to place them back in their proper spots.  No one should have to waste 10 minutes hunting for the 15 pound dumbbells, only to find them sitting between the 40s and the 50s.

Thom sez:  I usually find the hundreds right were I left them the last time I used them, but for the guy looking for the 15’s…..well he can just consider that part of his cardio work!!! 

10.   Exercise courtesy in the locker room.  Don’t take up three lockers and spread your clothing over an entire bench, forcing other people to put on their socks while standing up.  “People will rip off their sweaty clothes and run into the shower, leaving their undergarments all over the place,” St. Micheal says.

Thom sez:  I can’t help it if my shoulders are that wide (or my butt), but they really should make those damn lockers bigger.  And any one that uses the term “undergarments” needs to be pimp slapped.  Do you think “St. Micheal” is his real name or is it Ernie Abramowitz who had to go Hollywood to get some respect?

(Webmasters note:  I got a good story about a guy I know who would leave his dirty “undergarments” laying around at other people’s houses. He would just go home and leave his stinky undershorts under the bed.  But I’m not going to give out his name as to avoid embarrassment. )

11.   Be courteous in exercise classes.  Don’t show up late or distract the class by creating your own workout routine.  And play nice! ” In New York City, people will get in fights over spinning bikes,” Gostigian says. “It turns into a boxing class instead of a cycling class”

Thom sez:  One time my uncle was challenged by a boxer who told him he was going to teach him a lesson that weightlifting makes you slow.  My uncle waited until the other guy put his gloves on and then kicked his A$$ bare fisted WWF style.  I assume this part of New York City is not Greenwich Village. And PLEASE…..exercise class…. do I need to comment?

12.   Watch where you’re going.  “People are oblivious to what’s going on around them, “St. Micheal says.  “Sometimes when I’m doing lateral movements for my shoulders, someone will walk right by me and I’ll almost hit them. Weight lifting should not be a contact sport”.

Thom sez:  These are just getting better and better.  So are you then supposed to turn around and say, “Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?” Where I come from the guy lifting has the right of way if you are dumb enough to walk under a 500 lb squat then please say hello to the accountant on the first floor when the bar drops on your little pin head and rams it down there. 

TRUE STORY:  I used to work out with this guy that owned the gym we worked out in so he could abuse the hell out of his own equipment.  One day he was doing deadlifts (on the second story of an old warehouse converted to office space) and dropping them from arms length at the end of each rep.  Since he could DL over 700 lbs he was hitting a 5.6 on the richter scale.  Suddenly this little old lady showed up madder than a wet hen and covered in bits of plaster.  It seems that the landlord had finally rented the downstairs office space right below the lifting platform.  The new drop ceiling they had just put in had collapsed on this lady and her first client.  The office was a mess and my buddy was less than sorry.  Nothing like having a dozen muscle heads coming down just to laugh at your misfortune.  The landlord had warned her that there was a gym upstairs and that it might bet a “little” loud sometimes.  I guess her client was pretty shook up and ran out.

CREDIT: Braemar Stone Tablet, Volume #3, Issue #2