USAWA

BY DAVE GLASGOW

AROUND CHRISTMAS TIME LAST YEAR, I, UNFORTUNATELY, BECAME THE EXECUTER TO MY BROTHER’S ESTATE.  HE DIED VERY SUDDENLY WHICH THREW ME INTO A SOMEWHAT PRECARIOUS JACKPOT.  HOWEVER, HIS DEMISE IS NOT THE SUBJECT OF THIS STORY.  THIS IS A STORY ABOUT HOW, SOMETIMES, THE PLANETS ALL ALIGN AND THE NET RESULT IS YOU CAN MAKE SOMETHING GOOD COME FROM A SAD SITUATION.

AMONG MY BROTHER’S EFFECTS WERE HOUSEHOLD ARTICLES WHICH HE HAD, OBVIOUSLY, ACCUMULATED OVER THE YEARS.  MY DILEMMA WAS HOW TO BEST DISPERSE THESE ARTIFACTS!!  WE HAD BEEN SORTING AND CLEANING FOR SOME TIME.   HOWEVER IT GETS TO A POINT WHERE YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF THE ARTICLES AT HAND OR YOU FIND YOURSELF MOVING ITEMS FROM ONE ROOM TO THE OTHER WITHOUT GETTING ANYTHING ACCOMPLISHED.  SO, WHEN MY BELOVED WIFE OF 36 YEARS, GUNNER, TOLD ME THERE WAS TO BE AN AUCTION FOR THE CHURCH (SHE HAS ATTENDED TRINITY LUTHERAN CHURCH SINCE WE WERE MARRIED AND TAUGHT AT THE SCHOOL THERE FOR 25YEARS), WE BOTH DECIDED THAT DONATING A GOOD PORTION OF HIS ITEMS WOULD BE A GOOD THING ON SO MANY FRONTS!

HOWEVER, AFTER TWO MONTHS OF BEING  “REMINDED”  THAT THE AUCTION WAS COMING UP, IT WAS TO THE POINT THAT I WAS GROWING VERY WEARY OF HEARING ABOUT  THE CHURCH’S AUCTION.  FINALLY, THE DAY CAME TO GATHER THE GOODS AND GET THEM TO THE AUCTION SITE.  WITH THE HELP OF TWO TRUSTED FRIENDS AND GUNNER, WE TOOK THREE PICKUP TRUCKS FULL OF THINGS TO BE DONATED.  WE ARRIVED AT THE BARN WHERE THEY WERE HOLDING THE AUCTION AND QUICKLY UNLOADED OUR GOODS INTO THE CAVERNOUS BUILDING THAT WAS GROWING SMALLER BY THE MINUTE!  WHILE I WAS STANDING THERE LOOKING AT THE THINGS OTHER FOLKS BROUGHT, THE PASTOR STROLLS UP TO ME AND SAYS, “FEEL FREE TO COME ON SATURDAY AND TAKE SOME OF THIS STUFF OFF OUR HANDS!!”  I CHUCKLED AND MUMBLED SOMETHING ABOUT HAVING ENOUGH “STUFF”  TO LAST THE REST OF MY LIFE, WHEN, ALL AT ONCE, I GLANCE OVER AND SEE THREE MEDICAL QUALITY SCALES ON THE OPPOSITE WALL!!!  I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR ONE OF THOSE FOR OVER A YEAR AND HERE STOOD THREE. HOLY HELL, BATMAN!!!!

I PRACTICALLY RAN TO THE SCALES AND GREETED THEM AS LONG LOST, TREASURED FRIENDS.

WELL, I BOUGHT ONE OF THEM ON THE SPOT!! HOWEVER, THAT IS JUST THE START OF THE STORY!  AS I WAS WALKING OVER TO PAY FOR THE RELEASE OF MY NEWLY ACQUIRED PAL, I HAPPENED TO LOOK DOWN AT MY FEET AND, TO MY SHOCK, AMAZEMENT AND UTTER DELIGHT, SPIED A YORK BARBELL  SET!!!  I LITERALLY POUNCED ON THOSE SHINING (YES, SHINING!) WEIGHTS, IN FEAR THAT SOMEONE ELSE WOULD SPOT THEM AND GET TO THEM BEFORE I COULD!  GET TO THEM THEY MIGHT!!  HOWEVER, NOT UNTIL THERE WAS ONE HELL OF A FIGHT!!  NOW, FORGET THE FACT THAT THE ONLY OTHER FOLKS THERE WERE EITHER WITH ME OR THE HANDFUL OF CHURCH PEOPLE SETTING THINGS UP!  NO, BY GOD, THIS CATCH WAS MINE!!  THIS PRISTINE YORK SET WAS OF THE ONE INCH, “EXERCISE”  WEIGHT VARIETY, WITH THE 5 FOOT BAR, ADJUSTABLE DUMBELLS, ADJUSTABLE  KETTLEBELL HANDLES AND THE WEIGHT BOOTS!!!   I  AM GUESSING IT IS OF THE 60s VINTAGE.  I WAS ALSO DUMBFOUNDED TO FIND THAT THERE SET THE ORIGINAL CANVAS AND LEATHER STRAPS FOR THE BOOTS!  I JUST KEPT REPEATING, “I CAN‟T BELIEVE THIS!! I CAN‟T BELIEVE THIS!!”

I RAN OVER TO MY BUDDIES (WHO ARE LIFTERS AND “GAMERS” AS WELL) AND SAID, “DUDES!!! COME HERE! COME HERE!!” I WAS SO EXCITED; I HAD GOOSE BUMPS ON MY ARMS!!  MY ONE FRIEND SAID, “MAN, YOU NEED TO RELAX! IT’S JUST A WEIGHT SET. ” OHHHH, THE HUMANITY!! WHAT A HERETICAL THING TO COME FROM THE MOUTH OF ONE OF THE BRETHREN!!!”  AS WE STOOD THERE ADMIRING MY BOUNTY, I COULD ALMOST HEAR THAT WEIGHT SET SAY, “WELL, IF IT AIN’T OLE’ DAVE, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, COME TO TAKE US HOME AT LAST!”

TAKE YOU HOME, INDEED!!  JUST AS HARD AND FAST AS I POSSIBLY CAN!!   I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE WHAT TREASURES SHOW THEMSELVES THE NEXT TIME THE PLANETS ALIGN!!