USAWA

BY DAVE GLASGOW

I HAVE HEARD OF ‘THE ARNOLD’ ALMOST FROM THE BEGINNING, ALL SORTS OF STORIES AND RECOLLECTIONS FROM THOSE THAT HAVE MADE THE TREK. I NEVER FIGURED I WOULD MAKE THE JOURNEY MYSELF, AS LARGE CROWDS ARE JUST NOT MY STYLE. HOWEVER, WHEN I MADE THE CUT TO BE ONE OF THE FIRST GROUP OF AMATEUR THROWERS FOR A HIGHLAND GAMES AT THE ARNOLD, I FIGURED THIS TO BE A ONCE IN A LIFE TIME ENDEAVOR. (I WANT TO QUALIFY, RIGHT NOW, THAT I WAS NOT ONE OF THE FIRST TO BE INVITED. THERE WAS A ‘DROP OUT’, SO I GOT THE NOD.)

SO, OFF TO OHIO I GO. LUCKILY FOR ME, CHAD ULLOM HAD BEEN CHOSEN AS WELL AND WITH THOM VAN VLECK FOR SUPPORT, WE WERE ON OUR WAY. NOT TO BE LEFT OUT, LARRY ‘FLOYD’ TRAUB CAME FOR THE RIDE, SO, AS YOU CAN SEE, CHADER AND I HAD ALL THE SUPPORT WE NEEDED!

WE PROCEDED TO THE EXPO HALL ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON AND THE STORIES I HAD HEARD WERE, INDEED, TRUE. TO CALL THIS A FREAK SHOW IS QUITE AN UNDERSTATEMENT. EVERY POWER AND STRENGTH SPORT YOU COULD IMAGINE WAS REPRESENTED. THIRTEEN HUNDRED BOOTHS FOR ANYTHING RELATED TO THOSE AFOREMENTIONED SPORTS WERE LINED UP AS FAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE. I HAD NO EARTHLY CONCEPT THAT THERE WERE THAT MANY PROTEIN POWDERS AVAILABLE!!

NOW, AS STATED EARLIER, I HAVE NO DESIRE TO ATTEND THIS TYPE GATHERING SO QUITE A FEW OF THE THINGS I SAW WERE NOTEWORTHY. FOR EXAMPLE, I HAD NO IDEA THAT WOMEN COULD HAVE A ‘TWELVE PAK”. NOT A SIX PAK, MIND YOU, BUT A TWELVE PAK!! HOWEVER, RIGHT THERE, BOYS AND GIRLS, IN THE FLESH, STOOD NOT ONE, BUT TWO FEMALES WITH MORE MUSCULATURE IN THEIR ABDOMINAL AREA THAN, WELL, I HAVE. PERIOD.

SPANDEX!!!? YOU WANT SPANDEX? THIS PLACE COULD HAVE CARPETED THE VAST HALLS AND HAD MATERIAL LEFT OVER! TATOOS AND THE FAKE ‘LAT SPREAD’. THOSE GUYS HAD TO HAVE BEEN TIRED AT THE END OF THE DAY!! FOLKS STANDING IN LINE FOR 30 MINUTES FOR FREE STUFF. REALLY!!? NOT THIS GUY.

POLE FITNESS. MR. TRAUB TOOK AN IMMEDIATE INTEREST IN THIS ACTIVITY. I HAD NEVER HEARD OF ‘POLE FITNESS’, OUTSIDE OF WHAT I HAD HEARD WENT ON AT ‘GENTLEMAN’S’ CLUBS. BUT THERE IT WAS! IN THE FLESH, BABY! LITERALLY(YES, THEY WERE CLOTHED BUT JUST BARELY (PUN INTENDED). UNBELIEVEABLE. NOW, I REALLY DID’NT UNDERSTAND IT BUT I OVER HEARD ONE YOUNG LADY TELL ANOTHER THAT IT WAS THE ‘PERFECT EXERCISE’ FOR TOTAL FITNESS. OK. I’LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT. I MEAN, REALLY, COULD THE CREATOR OF ‘POLE FITNESS’, ‘BAD KITTY’ (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP), BE WRONG?

I WOULD HAVE REALLY LIKED TO HAVE SEEN SOME OLY LIFTING AND THE COMBAT SPORTS, BUT THIS WAS JUST NOT THE VENUE FOR THE AVERAGE ONLOOKER. THE PLACE WAS, ABSOLUTELY, PACKED. WE STAYED, AND HAD PRETTY GOOD SEATS, FOR THE PRO DEAD LIFT COMPETITION. THAT WAS MOST IMPRESSIVE! JUST VERY AWE INSPIRING.

NOW, FRIENDS, I WILL NOT GO INTO THE GAMES A WHOLE LOT, AS THIS IS NOT A ‘GAMES’ WEB SITE, HOWEVER, I WOULD LIKE TO NOTE THAT THIS WAS THE FIRST OF MARCH IN OHIO. WE KNEW THE WEATHER WOULD NOT BE CONDUSIVE TO OPTIMAL THROWING OR GOOD MARKS. WE WERE CORRECT IN THAT ASSUMPTION! NEAR WHITE OUT CONDITIONS GREETED US FROM THE GET GO. REGARDLESS, OVER 60 ATHLETES IN 5 DIFFERENT CLASSES TOOK TO THE FIELD. MY ONLY COMMENT TO THIS MADNESS WAS TO SAY, ‘WELL, SOMEDAY, WE WILL LOOK BACK AND TELL ONE ANOTHER, “REMEMBER THE ARNOLD IN ’14!!?”

WOULD I GO BACK?? I DOUBT IT. I SAW AND DID WHAT I WENT TO DO. THAT’S ENOUGH FOR ME.

HOWEVER, IF ‘BAD KITTY’ CALLED AND WANTED ME TO CRITIQUE HER GIRLS, I MAY HAVE TO RECONSIDER!!